This semester has been a bit nuttier than others in the past.
Not because I’m barely staying afloat in my classes. They’re going fine. Not because I’m antsy about moving out of this square room. It smells of my Autumn Harvest candle and gives me access to a second closet full of cute clothes. Thanks, rooms ;)
I’m juggling, here. A full class load, my jobs as youth director and journalism intern, my identities as daughter, sister, fiancée, friend. I’m completely aware that I’m not the only one experiencing this, and it’s likely to happen many times in my future. But I’m also aware that sometimes my obligations interfere with what I believe to be true about myself.
I become a victim of the productivity monster. I see my to-do list with so many uncrossed items, and I simultaneously want to complete everything without stopping and throw it out the window. But I wouldn’t dare. I fall into the trap of thinking that my identity is built on this productivity, on writing the perfect story every week, on doing things in a way that pleases others, which pleases myself. With writing, in particular, I fight continual, unwelcome daily thoughts about how I’m not doing well, or enough.
And then I’m faced with the reality that this is not who I am.
This is not what defines me. And the day I forget that is the day I forget who I belong to, the God who reassures me that my very existence brings Him glory.
So I also encourage you to not feel bogged down by unrealistic expectations – not somebody else’s and certainly not your own. God made you and thinks you’re good. Shouldn’t we be trusting of that?